Suspense, Suspended, and Hanging Out

Recently I have been in a state of inner turmoil about “next steps” in my life. After begrudgingly teaching for a year and a half then willfully and obediently serving my heart out in the classroom for a year and a half after that I reached a long prayed for moment when I THINK God released me from the trade. At that pivotal transition between discontent and humble servitude I stopped thinking about myself first and surrendered and submitted my path to the Lord. It was then that my heart was able to truly find joy in my season. At the end of my third year things began to click and obedience was no longer a struggle, rather I found myself flooded with ideas. Scales were peeled from my eyes, I began to see ways to improve my practice; creativity was booming as I committed my works to Him in a true and genuine way. …I was delighted to no longer feel like I was clueless! I was eager to impart learning to my pupils. I said ‘yes’ and  MEANT it. Hallelujah! What freedom.

…And then plans changed; well, moreso went from plans to no plans. I had a “vision” (I always feel weird calling it such, but whatever) of myself hurdling through the atmosphere at a high rate of speed, FLYING, no pun intended, with no sight of earth below. Suddenly I was halted and righted, suspended in mid-air with only the faintest wind swirling slowly around me to indicate that even time itself hadn’t stopped. I could see in all directions, and in all directions was vast nothingness, just miles of atmosphere with myself in the middle. The daunting prospect of choosing a direction would have been halting had I not already been frozen. I was not only summoned to pause, but I also deeply desired to wait on the Lord. It was a humbling moment of childlike fear; a reaching out for Him. Father help me for I know not what to do. And I don’t even want to do until You say so.

{I’m kind of still suspended in the atmosphere. That strange dot you might’ve noticed isn’t a stray balloon. It’s me. Just kinda hangin’ out.}

At the initiation of my still, I’ll remind you I was teeming with ideas and improvements for my classroom. I clung to the scripture about committing your works to the Lord and your thoughts being established. It is AMAZING how much you can learn when you stop griping about your season and start living it. So there I was standing near the window of my classroom with my heart bursting and my arms {figuratively} full of wonderful things to make NEXT year better… and the moment came like a pin to my balloon: He lifted all of it from my cradled limbs as if to say, “Great, Kay, those are all wonderful ideas, but this isn’t yours anymore.” I didn’t hear it in my ears, but tapped out in Morse from my depths…hollow tats that, much to my surprise, wrought near dread and moderate disappointment.

I was STUNNED. And confused. What could be so confusing you ask? Well, to be honest, I cannot explain why I am confused but I am, and was. I just wasn’t sure if it was HIM…or if it was a quiet root of fear that was somehow missed in the year’s stringent weeding. The last three weeks of the year I fasted and waited and asked and prayed… and didn’t hear a thing.  I did, however, witness the most intense spiritual upheaval I have ever witnessed among my students. The enemy plays his game with no regard for women and children. He plays dirty, He taunts all. My precious peas, whom I adore, were the nastiest, and most disrespectful, with the actual intention of inflicting hurt, imaginable. The uncertainty was only exacerbated; either the Lord had me on the cusp of a beautiful breakthrough (which made sense with the recent onslaught of pedagogical genius), or the covering of Grace He gives in our circumstances was lifted right out of my arms with the platter of lessons I’d been preparing.

As my Granddad says, “I cain’t know.”

The summer has been spent with me diligently striving to be still and wait on the Lord. Asking meekly real quick and moving on about the day, serving and living to the fullest capacity; focusing on Him, not the question mark in my heart. I still don’t know. With the school year quickly approaching I cannot help but shake the feeling that I am “done,” but I don’t want to risk the enemy tricking me and driving me out of the possibility for divine planting. Days of sheer panic have thankfully only reached three, maybe four. Okay four, today was four. On an outreach with my church I was so free–I loved with no time limit, there was no agenda to impede relating and ministering to…I could pray openly. *Contented sigh.* Though the notion of facing my boss and leaving the security of a state job was a mere millimeter or two from paralyzing, I romanticized the rice and beans and eggs that was sure to be all I could afford to eat for the next year. And then I cried because I was scared crapless.

After a half hour of sitting quietly and boiling eggs to practice my new diet, I called my aunt who is spirit lead and never pulls a punch. The woman speaks DA TRUF FUH REAL…like slap you in the back of the head with the Word and make you say thank you kinda honesty. And I love it. Upon hearing my long drawn out lamentations, much like you have just endured, she shot me straight as per expected.

My aunt made things wonderfully simple: If you are going out into all the world and preaching the gospel, you ARE in His Will.

Well that sure blew the lid off all my worries. Exactly. The great commission is to tell folks about Jesus. Period. The Lord has a perfect will for our lives, for sure, but I had perverted my intentions of obedience from humbly being where He wants me to share the love and salvation of Christ, to being where me, myself, I will see the most fruit and live most abundantly. I can share Jesus anywhere, so why am I freaking out while I wait on Him? Whatever place I set my foot the Lord can turn into a trail of great Harvest if I am faithful to sow in the day to day journey. It is all about His Glory, not mine. There was that root I tripped on when my eyes were closed. Got it.

Lord, forgive me for forgetting how faithful you are. Forgive me for writhing and squirming when You say be still. Never let me abstract the Great Commission to the point that I focus on your Will more than Your Love. Thank You for the beautiful Hope that is Jesus, for Your faithfulness, and for your Grace when I panic.

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